Friday 8 September 2023

It’s been an awful long time since I wrote anything on this blog (some 15 months). I’ve scribbled the odd ‘reflective note’ (and even some prose – although never very successfully) in various notebooks.
I’ve just started reading Jonathan Coe’s book ‘Bourneville’ (published in 2022)… a novel arising from his own childhood growing up in ‘the Midlands’ (and including references to his mother Mary, born in 1934) and the life we’ve lived over the past 75 years… including such things as “the coronation and the World Cup final, royal weddings and royal funerals, Brexit and Covid19”.
In my own 75^th year, I’ve become far more aware of my own mortality(!). Although I still enjoy good health, my body has started to ‘wear out’… I need another hip replacement (I now walk with a stick and my mileage has become severely reduced); my hearing and sight reflect my old age (I now have 3-monthly glaucoma eye checks); I need to wear ‘medical stockings’ all the time to reduce problems associated with varicose veins and the like; my hands shake on occasions; my teeth are falling out.
My world has definitely shrunk. I no longer drive (although I still have a licence, I took a decision to stop driving some 6 months ago)… I depend of public transport to get around (coupled with my frustrations of not being able to walk any real distances). I’ve become quite anxious wherever travelling is concerned (not helped by numerous rail strike days and cancelled trains – resulting in being unable to reserve seats etc)… having to depend on timetables and arriving in good time! I currently don’t have a passport and I no longer yearn to travel abroad or embark on exciting adventures. Basically, I’ve become very boring.
Very unusually, I’m also finding myself comparing our lifestyle (and sense of adventure) with some of our friends/family… for instance: Alan+Lesley taking perhaps 7 holidays a year (perhaps 2 or 3 of which are abroad); Robin+Sue spending perhaps a third of their lives in Spain (and, when home, gallivanting around the country); Dave+Sarah recently returned from Oberammergau Passion Play in Germany and are currently in Italy on a pilgrimage.
On top of this, I’m still in a spiritual wilderness (which has perhaps been the case for the past 3-4 years?) – so much so that, last November, I decided to take an indefinite sabbatical from attending church services while I endeavour to wait for this period to pass. 10 months on, nothing really has changed (I’ve been one afternoon ‘service’ at Saint Stephen’s… which certainly didn’t inspire me).
The fact is… that I’m a quite boring person! My adventures seem to be limited to: reading, bookgroup, sketching, cinema, urban sketchers and Blokes!
 
All this, of course, goes alongside Moira’s much more serious predicament of endeavouring to cope with her Parkinson’s Disease… and all the uncertainty it throws up when it comes to planning for the future. At present, she’s in pretty good health… her walking is good and she’s in contact with her excellent PD nurse, but her energy levels are low and she needs to spend most afternoons lying down or sleeping. Her medication has made a tremendous difference, BUT (in conjunction with PD nurse) some changes have been suggested to try to provide her with better nights. The PD nurse’s letter was sent to Bedminster Family Practice some 5 weeks ago requesting specific changes to the medication but, despite two telephone calls to the Practice, nothing has changed. To make it even more frustrating is the fact that she’s been allocated Dr Sam Parker as her link GP as far as her PD is concerned… she’s never met him (or vice versa). On top of that, M’s PD consultants have STILL not been in touch. She met them in May22 and they told her then that “we see her in the clinic in 3-4 months’ time”… it’s now been 16 months (the PD nurse wrote reminding them 5 weeks ago – but still nothing).

Monday 2 May 2022:

It’s been a long time since I wrote a ‘reflection posts’… but I thought do so, just as something of a diary note (because I end up forgetting key details of stuff!).
Moira’s been struggling a little after going down with Covid.
I think she first tested positive on 7 April and didn’t test negative for 13 days (20 April). Although her symptoms weren’t severe, it was something of a debilitating experience – headaches, tiredness, aching limbs etc. She self-isolated at home accordingly. Even after ‘recovering’ (over the next week or so), she lacked energy and on the few occasions she ventured out (eg, the pharmacy and Wilko’s), it left her exhausted… and would often ‘go for lie down’ to recover.
At various stages recently, she’s been struggling with her sciatica, hip and knee pain and, clearly, this hasn’t helped her recovery.
She’s never been one for lots of exercise(?), but it’s a shame that she contracted Covid after having enjoyed walking around the harbour (complete circuit) twice within a couple of days… and felt ‘good’ about having done this.
Over recent days, she and I have taken very short walks to the harbour (home-Capricorn Quay-Broken Dock-cathedral-home)(the length of the walks being restricted at her request). She’s never been a fast walker (slight understatement!) but, in recent days, she’s been walking very slowly.
Her situation hasn’t been helped by a slight delay in getting her medications from the pharmacy (and she’s been somewhat anxious about relapsing back into depression).
 
All of this comes at a time before her hospital appointment on Friday 6 May with Southmead’s “Parkinson’s service”. She had an appointment at Southmead a year ago (21 May 2021)(she’d been having jaw-wobbling symptoms for some 3 months). At that time, the consultant reported that he “did not have clinic evidence to support any neuro-degenerative condition at present” and that they would reassess in 9-12 months. Over the past year, she has developed quite severe shaking in her right arm (and occasionally her left arm too)(she still has the wobbly chin). The forthcoming appointment was made after she’d emailed the consultant updating on her condition.
Moira is convinced that she has the first signs of Parkinson’s Disease (and I agree with her)… and so, quite naturally, is anxious to know the outcome of the forthcoming hospital appointment… and, if confirmed, to know the implications (medications, timescale, physical and mental implications, advice, exercise etc). At the same time, there are moments when she’s convinced that the consultant will want to continue monitoring before making any prognosis.
 
All of this has made me reflect on Moira and my respective thoughts about ‘growing old(er)’. I’ve always been a “I only want to live as long as I have a certain quality of life”, whereas Moira wants to live as long as possible (and see her grandchildren flourish, have partners, careers etc). Still ‘having each other’ over the past two or so pandemic years has been really important for both of us.
Given Moira’s possible Parkinson’s condition, it’s made me re-think matters. I suddenly realise that I NEED to be here to support Moira through what we anticipate as being a pretty debilitating and difficult time. We don’t really know what these years may bring and how quickly any deterioration might happen etc… but the idea of Moira having to live through it all on her own (or even living with/supported by daughters etc) is really, really hard to imagine.
Growing old can be pretty rubbish!
In the meantime, we need to appreciate very moment. x

Saturday 8 January 2022:

This will be a bit of a strange blogpost.
Yesterday, walking to Welsh Back, I felt decidedly ‘weird’ (physically)… quite weak and struggling to walk normally… walking slowly and gingerly… not exactly breathless, but certainly not feeling ‘right’. I gradually improved and, by the time I returned to the apartment, I felt ‘ok’ (not brilliant, but ok). It all felt slightly scary.
Then, this morning, I walked to the local Co-op to fetch the newspaper and, walking home, again felt similarly ‘weird’… and slightly shaky and not exactly breathless, but with a strange sensation high up, level with sternum (no actual pain)... maybe something like fluttering breaths? Took it easy for the rest of the day and no further issues… but just thought I’d write down the experiences for possible future reference.
But the experience has made me feel strangely vulnerable and that I’m not going to live forever… and maybe not even to the end of 2022!

Saturday 1 January 2022:

It’s been something like 10 weeks since I last wrote a reflection (and I’ve also just decided to stop writing a daily diary). Now that the Christmas and New Year festivities are over, I’ve been endeavouring to concentrate on the months ahead. Most of the ‘jobs’ related to the house move have now really been sorted and I’m conscious that it’s left something of a ‘void’. In the normal course of things (and especially given our new home location), I would almost certainly have been visiting the cinema (Watershed) on a weekly basis, but continuing Covid concerns have meant that I’m still reluctant to return to watching films at this stage. The RWA is currently closed for refurbishment, otherwise I feel sure I’d be there on a monthly basis at least. The Museum+Art Gallery is currently incorporating the Grayson Art Club (we’ve been once and will no doubt return a couple of times before the exhibition closes in September. I’ll continue to sketch most days – although doing so in the winter months is a little restrictive.  
We would normally have tried to book tickets for the theatre but, again, Covid concerns still make us both feel uncomfortable at present. Similarly, I would usually have booked concert tickets at St George’s, but still feel rather reluctant to do so at present.
I’m less involved or, frankly, interested in church matters these days (tending to avoid services at HTH… but also not really switched on to or enthusiastic about Saint Stephen’s services (I’m in something of a spiritual wilderness).
So, my only real ‘outside contacts’ these days are bookgroup, urban sketching and ‘Blokes’-related stuff.
We probably need to make arrangements to get people round to Deanery Road for coffee or lunch or supper over the coming months (Covid permitting)… Dave+Sarah, Janice+Nigel for instance.
I also need to continue arranging zooming sessions (especially with Alan).
I’m also very conscious that we’ll probably not see much of I+R unless we organise stuff (their weekends seem sacrosanct and so we probably need to ensure that we get together for chips(?) occasionally during the school holidays.

Thursday 21 October:

It’s been two months since I wrote my last reflection. It’s been a busy time settling into our new home (a constant matter of two steps forward and one back), but we’re gradually ‘getting there’. We’re constantly aware that we haven’t actually downsized enough to fit into number17! We probably still need to get rid of some books; we have far too many empty plastic boxes left over; the kitchen is too small (and not as well designed storage-wise; lots of framed pictures and not enough wallspace to hang them…
We’re about to have a few days away in Lancashire (2 days in Lytham, followed by 2 days with Alice+Dave in Buckshaw). It’ll obviously involve several train journeys and, given our recent experiences of high proportions of people on public transport NOT wearing face masks, it’s something that really concerns us. Yes, we’ve been double-vaccinated and boostered but, nevertheless, with weekly Covid cases and deaths beginning to rise again in quite high numbers, it makes both of us feel very uneasy (and vulnerable). In some ways, it would be easy to take the cautious option and cancel our plans, but (significantly) we haven’t seen our Lancashire grandchildren for TWO whole years and we haven’t had a holiday since our time in Skipton – again, just over two years ago. So, we’ll go… and just be as careful as possible. 

Thursday 21 October:

It’s been two months since I wrote my last reflection. It’s been a busy time settling into our new home (a constant matter of two steps forward and one back), but we’re gradually ‘getting there’. We’re constantly aware that we haven’t actually downsized enough to fit into number17! We probably still need to get rid of some books; we have far too many empty plastic boxes left over; the kitchen is too small (and not as well designed storage-wise; lots of framed pictures and not enough wallspace to hang them…
We’re about to have a few days away in Lancashire (2 days in Lytham, followed by 2 days with Alice+Dave in Buckshaw). It’ll obviously involve several train journeys and, given our recent experiences of high proportions of people on public transport NOT wearing face masks, it’s something that really concerns us. Yes, we’ve been double-vaccinated and boostered but, nevertheless, with weekly Covid cases and deaths beginning to rise again in quite high numbers, it makes both of us feel very uneasy (and vulnerable). In some ways, it would be easy to take the cautious option and cancel our plans, but (significantly) we haven’t seen our Lancashire grandchildren for TWO whole years and we haven’t had a holiday since our time in Skipton – again, just over two years ago. 
So, we’ll go… and just be as careful as possible.
Image: our new balcony home.

Monday 16 August:

It’s been more than 2 months since I last wrote a ‘reflection’…
Much has happened in that time… the house is sold; the apartment has been purchased (well, not quite until the completion, but…) and we move in just over a week’s time (next Tuesday 24^th – with packers in on Monday 23^rd). All the outstanding matters have either been dealt with or ‘deferred’. I’ve been back to Deanery Road while the electrician was there but, as far as our house is concerned, George has only visited once – and he put in an offer on the basis of his one and only visit (and has indicated that he’s been too busy to come round for a drink or check on stuff etc… which seems a little strange).
Hannah, Cormac, Roz, Simon, Claire and Geraint invited us to a mini street party last Saturday evening to say goodbye and to wish us well (which was very lovely of them).
We’ve managed to get rid of a whole stack of ‘stuff’ – including the dining table, four dining chairs, two throne chairs, well over 30 picture frames and a whole range of odds and ends. The pavement outside our house has been full with collect-for-free goods for the past few weeks. This week will see the last of our rubbish-to-the-tip-trips (‘everything must go’!).
The really scary thing is that there are absolutely ‘piles of stuff’ that we’re proposing to take with us – boxes and boxes of things (not to mention all the plants and pots Moira has earmarked for our balcony!!). Depressingly, I think the boxed stuff will all end up cluttering up the two bedrooms – I don’t think they’ll be much room for manoeuvring around the beds.
Ru and family were on holiday last week and so there’s a AWFUL lot of clearing for her to do this week to vacate her studio! I feel very sorry for her (and guilty too)… so much stuff and not enough space in her new studio at BV.
Image: a couple of photographs illustrating some of the stuff we’re supposed to be taking with us!